Shut Up And Listen To My Songs

Texas Winter Rap

Another video I made for an online advent calendar this year.

Errybody likes to rap at christmas time
For most people it’s presents, for me it’s dope rhymes
Snuggle by the fire and decorate the tree
But I live in Texas so I gotta run the AC

I like it cold! Don’t wanna hear your haters attack it
But not too cold, just cold enough that I need a cool jacket
While other places get a real winter of sorts
I’m walking around sweating in a t-shirt and shorts

I hear this girl say “I like it!” and I can’t believe her
People feeling crappy laid up with ceder fever
You haters have it hot 8 months of the year
Let the rest of us get a little winter up in here

Winter ain’t no time of year
For things to be getting hot in herre
I don’t want it so cold my face gets numb
But when I’m sweating in the winter, I think that is dumb

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Pumpkin Pod People

Recorded for an online advent calendar I’m doing for someone this holiday season. Seemed like it should find a permanent home here.

It’s that time of year again
For the naughty and the nice
No one, family or friend
Can escape the pumpkin spice
It falls like snow on everything
That you drink or that you eat
The pumpkin overlords won’t stop
Until the spread of pumpkin is complete and there’s

Pumpkin spice bologna and
Pumpkin spice shampoo
Pumpkin macaroni and
Pumpkin scented running shoes
Pumpkin on your pizza and
Pumpkin spice wood glue
Nothing but pumpkin in your pee and your poo

Pumpkin spice wine and
Pumpkin prophylactics
Pumpkin all the time and
Pumpkin til we’re all sick
Pumpkin pod people
Family and friends
Feasting on each other til the end

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On Indefinite Hiatus

My silly songs are going on an indefinite hiatus. They may be back. They may not. Thank you to all that have watched them. I hope to return.

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Krazy Glue

Krazy Glue
It’s got me stuck on you
No matter what we do
We’re bound forever with Krazy Glue

I know we tried to be so cautious
I think the fumes made us both nauseous
No matter how careful we’ve been
It always ends up on our skin

Krazy Glue
It’s got me stuck on you
No matter what we both do
We’re bound forever with Krazy Glue

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Wet Wipes For Your Butt

A new low for my weekly silly songs.

Wet wipes for your butt
They’re so great they’ll make you say “What what?”
Once you try ’em you’ll never go back
To the way you used to treat that crack
Some people think there are things that we shouldn’t talk about
Like the fact that we all have to poop, so I’m just trying to help you out
Wet wipes for your butt
Don’t use papyrus like that old King Tut
The vitamin E is good for your skin
And you won’t have to wipe again
And if you like these, then you’ll really like a butt-washing toilet.
We’ve got one.

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Tiny Store of Bad Stuff

This has nothing to do with the fact that I’m playing Orin Scrivello The Dentist in Little Shop of Horrors at The City Theatre opening Next Friday. Nope. This is a totally unrelated original song based on this crazy idea I have for a musical. Completely unique and original. Not at all affiliated with Little Shop of Horrors.

Tiny store, tiny store of bad stuff
Through the door there’s deliciously mad stuff
Hit the floor because it can be a tad rough
Whoa oh whoa oh

In our store we sell fruits and vegetables
Everything here is totally digestible
But there’s one fact that you might find detestable
All our plants want to eat you

The carrots have roots that are quite deranged
The potatoes have eyes that look at you strange
The fuzz on the peaches is a poisonous mange
Whoa oh whoa oh

You’ll find the lettuce is touched in the head
The tomatoes are so juicy with acid instead
Everything here wants to make you dead
Whoa oh whoa oh

Tiny store, tiny store of bad stuff
Through the door there’s deliciously mad stuff
Hit the floor because it can be a tad rough
Whoa oh whoa oh

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One String Vamp

I only got one string left
It’s got me feeling quite bereft
It really limits what you play
You can’t play chords, there ain’t no way
Single notes are all there are
Left in your repertoire
You’ve got to find some other things
To keep it sounding interesting
Maybe play with vibrato
Maybe a real quick run
Then play real staccato
And a pause, just for fun
You can make a scraping sound
Play it like a drum and get down
Then you throw in a bend
And a harmonic at the end

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Reggie Watts

I’m no Reggie Watts, yeah I’m no Reggie Watts
I’m going to sing a song in the style of Reggie Watts
Though I know I can’t fool your ears, ’cause you know damn well I’m not
This is just meant as an homage, I can’t do it like he can
So I guess I’ll do it like me, Reggie Watts is another man, oh
Reggie Watts
Yeah, you know I’m not
But there is another side of this coin you cannot see
That’s the fact that Reggie Watts, he also is not me, no, hey
Reggie Watts
Yeah you know I’m not
I’m not Reggie Watts
Let’s see Reggie Watts do a song in the style of Heath Allyn
He could probably do it
With Jimmy Fallon

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Texas Summer

Let’s just all agree to pretend not to notice how similar this song is to one I recorded just a few weeks ago. It was bound to happen sooner or later.

Texas summer is hotter than hell
Even the devil says “It’s too damn hot! I bid you farewell!”
It’s 6 months long, no seasons ’round here
We maybe get a month of cold days in the year
When it’s cold you can put on a coat and some gloves
And snuggle by the fire with someone that you love
But when it’s hot you can run around without any clothes
And still be sweating with a sunburn from your head to your toes
Working overtime just to pay the utilities
But trying to stay cool is still a lesson in futility
I take walk, I swear I smell burning hair
And I’ve got a lot of really great coats I can’t wear

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Pokémon Go!

Pokémon Go!
It’s everywhere you look and it’s everybody you know
Pokémon Go!
But if you don’t like it please make sure and tell the whole world so
Pokémon Go!
Because if you don’t like something there is only one logical choice
Pokémon Go!
Crap on everybody’s fun, make sure they hear your grumpy voice
No one is allowed to like something without sarcastic snarky retorts
Now you know how the rest of us all feel who don’t like sports
Pokémon Go!
How ’bout everybody love what they love and that is that
Pokémon Go!
Unless you get your happiness from being a total ass-hat

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